When Parenting Feels Bigger Than the Moment: Understanding Complex Trauma, Patterns, and the Hope of Doing Things Differently
By: Holly Dudley, Resident in Counseling, NCC & Samantha Long, PhD, LPC, RPT, NCC
Parenting can bring up parts of us we did not always expect to meet.
There are moments when a child’s behavior feels bigger than the situation in front of us. A tantrum, a tone of voice, a refusal, a meltdown, or a moment of disconnection can stir something deep inside. Sometimes the reaction comes quickly, before we have had time to make sense of it.
We may find ourselves thinking:
“Why did that feel so intense?”
“Why did I respond that way?”
“Why does this feel so familiar?”
“Why is it so hard to stay calm when I know my child is struggling?”
For many parents, these questions do not come from a lack of love or effort. They often come from the reality that parenting does not happen in isolation. We parent from our own histories, our own nervous systems, our own attachment experiences, and sometimes patterns we never consciously chose.
When we can begin to look at our parenting with curiosity instead of shame, we create more space for compassion, repair, and change.
What We Mean by Complex Trauma
Complex trauma is different from a single painful or traumatic event. Rather than stemming from one isolated experience, it develops through repeated experiences over time, especially those that occur within important relationships or during key developmental years. This may include growing up in environments where emotions were dismissed, needs were inconsistently met, conflict felt unsafe, love felt conditional, or caregivers were unable to provide the steadiness that was needed.
For some people, complex trauma is tied to more obvious experiences of adversity such as abuse, neglect, loss, household dysfunction, or instability. Research on Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) (Felitti et al., 1998) and Community ACEs (C-ACEs) (Cronholm et al., 2015) reminds us that trauma can occur not only within families, but also through experiences such as community violence, discrimination, poverty, housing instability, and systemic inequities.
You have likely heard the term PTSD (Posttraumatic Stress Disorder), which is often associated with a specific traumatic event. Complex PTSD (C-PTSD) develops differently. Rather than being connected to one isolated event, it is associated with chronic or repeated experiences of adversity, particularly within relationships where safety, protection, and care should have existed.
C-PTSD can affect how people view themselves, their relationships, and the world around them. Some individuals experience chronic shame, difficulty trusting others, emotional overwhelm, emotional numbing, people-pleasing, perfectionism, hypervigilance, or a persistent sense that they must stay prepared for something to go wrong. Many adults who experienced complex trauma become deeply caring, capable, and successful people. Yet, they may still notice that certain situations, especially parenting, activate emotional reactions that feel larger than the moment itself. Often, this is because their nervous system learned long ago that it needed to stay vigilant, protective, accommodating, or prepared.
*Important Note: C-PTSD is not recognized by the DSM-5 TR but is recognized within the ICD-11.
Sometimes, this might sound like:
“I wasn’t hit but I did not feel emotionally safe.”
“I was always the one trying to keep the peace.”
“I learned not to need too much.”
“I was praised for being easy, responsible, or mature.”
“I never really learned what to do with big emotions.”
“I learned that I was only worthy when…”
“I learned that my needs came second.”
“I was always waiting for something to go wrong.”
“I felt like I had to earn love.”
“I often feel like I’m too much or not enough.”
“I learned to stay quiet and not draw attention to myself.”
“I never really felt like I could relax.”
“I have a hard time believing people genuinely care about me.”
“I often feel guilty for needing support.”
When we become parents, our children naturally bring their needs, emotions, dependence, and dysregulation into the relationship. Sometimes, without meaning to, those moments touch old parts of us.
Ghosts in the Nursery
More than fifty years ago, infant mental health pioneers Selma Fraiberg, Edna Adelson, and Vivian Shapiro introduced a powerful concept known as Ghosts in the Nursery. They observed that parents often carry unresolved experiences from their own childhoods into their relationships with their children. These experiences are not always conscious. Sometimes they appear as strong emotional reactions, fears, assumptions, expectations, or parenting responses that seem to emerge automatically. Fraiberg et al. (1975) described these as “ghosts” because they represent old hurts, losses, fears, unmet needs, and relationship patterns that continue to influence the present.
A parent who felt criticized growing up may find themselves becoming unusually reactive when their child appears “defiant.”
A parent who learned that emotions were unsafe may feel overwhelmed when their child cries intensely.
A parent who experienced abandonment may find separations from their child unexpectedly painful.
A parent who grew up feeling responsible for everyone else’s emotions may find themselves struggling when their child is upset and they cannot immediately make it better.
These reactions do not mean parents are intentionally repeating harmful patterns; rather, they reflect how deeply our earliest relationships shape our nervous systems and expectations about connection, safety, and love. The hopeful part of Fraiberg et al.’s work is that once we begin to notice the “ghosts,” they no longer have to drive the relationship. Awareness creates the possibility of choice.
How Trauma Can Travel Across Generations
When people hear the term intergenerational trauma, they sometimes assume it means parents intentionally pass trauma to their children. In reality, the process is often much more subtle. Intergenerational trauma refers to the ways unresolved stress, adversity, loss, survival strategies, and relationship patterns can be transmitted across generations through caregiving practices, attachment experiences, family beliefs, and stress-response systems.
*Important Note: although the term intergenerational trauma is commonly used today, there is no single individual responsible for introducing the concept because ultimately, it has lived within us even if we didn’t have a “name for it.” Researchers and clinicians such as Dr. Maria Yellow Horse Brave Heart, who wrote about historical trauma among Indigenous communities, Dr. Yael Danieli, who has contributed extensively to the literature on transgenerational trauma among Holocaust survivor families, and early researchers such as Dr. Vivian Rakoff has all helped shape our understanding of how the effects of trauma can extend beyond a single generation.
Research suggests that trauma can influence future generations through both relational and biological pathways. The ways we learn to cope, connect, protect ourselves, and make sense of relationships are often shaped by the environments in which we were raised.
A parent who grew up hearing stories of hardship, loss, or injustice may become especially protective of their child, wanting to shield them from pain that previous generations endured.
A parent from a community that has experienced historical trauma may approach trust, authority, or institutions with caution because those systems have not always been safe or equitable for their family or community.
A parent whose family learned to survive through emotional restraint may struggle to express vulnerability, even while deeply loving and caring for their child.”
These patterns are often adaptations rather than flaws. At one point, they helped someone survive difficult circumstances.
When Our Child's Big Feelings Meet Our Own
Children are still learning how to manage frustration, disappointment, fear, anger, sadness, transitions, limits, and separation. They are not supposed to already know how to do this perfectly.
But when a child is dysregulated, it can activate a parent's nervous system too.
A child's crying may feel overwhelming.
A child's anger may feel disrespectful.
A child's need for closeness may feel suffocating.
A child's sadness may bring up helplessness.
And before we know it, we are not only responding to our child. We may also be responding from a younger, more wounded, or more protective part of ourselves.
Our bodies and nervous systems remember.
This does not mean we are bad parents. It means parenting often invites us into our own healing work. Sometimes growth is not about finding the perfect parenting strategy. Sometimes it is about slowing down enough to notice what is happening inside of us as parents, too.
Breaking Patterns Is Often Quiet Work
When people talk about "breaking generational cycles," it can sound big and dramatic. But often, it happens in very small moments.
It happens when you pause before reacting.
It happens when you apologize after yelling.
It happens when you notice your body getting tense and take a breath.
It happens when you choose connection instead of control.
It happens when you let your child have a difficult feeling without rushing to shut it down.
It happens when you say, "I am sorry. I am working on that."
It happens when you decide that your child does not have to earn emotional safety.
These moments may not look significant from the outside, but they matter. They are part of how patterns begin to shift.
Supporting Yourself While Supporting Your Child
One of the most important things to remember is that parents need support too.
Parenting through the lens of complex trauma is not about becoming perfectly calm, endlessly patient, or always regulated. It is about building awareness and support that you can access in those hard parenting moments.
Some places to begin could include:
Noticing your own cues Pay attention to what happens in your body when you feel activated. Do your shoulders tense? Does your voice change? Do you feel the urge to control, withdraw, fix, or shut down?
Naming what is happening without shame Instead of telling yourself, “I’m a terrible parent,” try shifting toward, “Something about this moment feels really hard for me.”
Creating space before responding Taking a slow breath, placing a hand on your chest, or taking a physical step back can give your nervous system a little more space to respond differently.
Making repair part of the relationship Repair is powerful. Children do not need perfect parents. They need caregivers who can come back, reconnect, and take responsibility when things feel hard.
Seeking support This work is not meant to be done alone. Therapy, supportive relationships, reflective groups, and trusted resources can all help parents feel less isolated as they begin to make sense of their own feelings and experiences.
Resources for Parents
If this is something you are beginning to notice in your own parenting, there are several books that may offer support, language, and reflection.
It Didn’t Start With You by Mark WolynnThis book explores inherited family trauma and how unresolved patterns may continue across generations. It can be a helpful starting point for parents who are beginning to wonder what they may be carrying from their own family system.
The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne BrysonThis book offers accessible information about child brain development and gives parents practical ways to support connection, regulation, and emotional integration.
Good Inside by Dr. Becky KennedyThis book offers a compassionate and practical parenting approach that helps parents move away from self-blame and toward more confident, connected responses. Dr. Becky emphasizes that children are good inside, even when their behavior is challenging, and offers strategies for building connection, setting boundaries, repairing after hard moments, and supporting emotional resilience.
Break the Cycle by Dr. Mariel BuquéThis book focuses on intergenerational trauma and offers a supportive framework for understanding and healing patterns that may have been passed down through families.
A Gentle Reminder
If you see yourself in this, you are not alone.
Many parents are trying to raise children while also learning how to care for younger parts of themselves. Many are working to respond differently than they were responded to. Many are holding the grief of what they did not receive while also trying to offer something new to their children.
That work matters.
Healing is not about becoming the parent who is never triggered. It is about becoming the parent who can recognize what has been activated, return to the relationship, and repair when needed.
A Space to Explore This in Therapy
This summer, as a Resident in Counseling, I am beginning EMDR basic training as part of my continued clinical development and work toward EMDR certification. As I begin this process, I am opening a few reduced-rate therapy spots for adults who are interested in exploring how past experiences, complex trauma, attachment wounds, or old survival patterns may be showing up in their current life and relationships.
These spots may be a good fit for parents who are noticing that certain moments with their children feel bigger than expected. This might look like feeling easily triggered, shutting down, overreacting, carrying guilt, feeling stuck in cycles they want to change, or wanting to parent differently than they were parented.
My work is grounded in trauma-informed, attachment-focused, and person-centered care. In addition to beginning EMDR training, I also incorporate parts work to support clients in noticing and understanding the different parts of themselves that may be holding pain, protection, fear, anger, grief, or unmet needs.
Because I am at the beginning of my EMDR training process, these reduced-rate spots are intended for clients who are open to working with me as I continue learning, receiving consultation, and growing in this modality.
Reduced-rate spots will range from $50 to $75 per session.
Reach out to holly@integratedplayconnections.com with any questions or to learn more about availability.
References
Cronholm, P. F., Forke, C. M., Wade, R., Bair-Merritt, M. H., Davis, M., Harkins-Schwarz, M., Pachter, L. M., & Fein, J. A. (2015). Adverse childhood experiences: Expanding the concept of adversity. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 49(3), 354–361. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.amepre.2015.02.001
Felitti, V. J., Anda, R. F., Nordenberg, D., Williamson, D. F., Spitz, A. M., Edwards, V., Koss, M. P., & Marks, J. S. (1998). Relationship of childhood abuse and household dysfunction to many of the leading causes of death in adults: The Adverse Childhood Experiences Study. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 14(4), 245–258. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0749-3797(98)00017-8
Fraiberg, S., Adelson, E., & Shapiro, V. (1975). Ghosts in the nursery: A psychoanalytic approach to the problems of impaired infant-mother relationships. Journal of the American Academy of Child Psychiatry, 14(3), 387-421.
Buqué, M. (2024). Break the Cycle: A Guide to Healing Intergenerational Trauma. Dutton.
Kennedy, B. (2022). Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be. Harper Wave.
Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind. Delacorte Press.
Wolynn, M. (2016). It Didn’t Start With You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle. Viking.
