The Power of Choice: Helping Children Build Confidence, Independence, and Emotional Regulation
Michelle Walker, LCSW, RPT-S
Giving children choices is a simple parenting strategy that can support emotional regulation, independence, confidence, self-control, and executive functioning skills. Just as importantly, it helps children feel heard, seen, and understood.
Research supports the importance of these everyday opportunities for autonomy. Castelo et al. (2022) found that parent provision of choice in early childhood may be a particularly meaningful autonomy-supportive parenting strategy because it was associated with children’s executive functioning skills. Giving children opportunities to consider options and make decisions allows them to practice skills related to self-control, flexible thinking, and decision-making.
In Child-Centered Play Therapy and Child-Parent Relationship Therapy, we encourage parents to use choice language as a way to strengthen their relationship with their child, reduce power struggles, build emotional regulation skills and self-control, and encourage children to trust their own abilities and decision-making.
When children are given appropriate choices, they experience a sense of control within safe boundaries. Rather than feeling constantly directed or controlled, they become active participants in the decision-making process.
Examples of Choice Language
Choice language can be used throughout the day in a variety of situations:
“Do you choose the purple plate or the blue plate?”
“Do you choose to have Mommy help you or Daddy help you?”
“Do you choose to do it yourself, or do you choose to have me help you?”
“Do you choose to pick up the blocks first or the cars?”
“Do you choose to bring one stuffed animal to bed or two?”
“Do you choose to read this book first or that book first?”
“Do you choose to sit in this chair or that chair for dinner?”
“Do you choose apple slices or strawberries with lunch?”
“Do you choose to turn off the TV, or do you choose to have me turn it off?”
“Do you choose to put your pajamas on before the story or after the story?”
“Do you choose to say goodbye with a hug or a high five?”
Choice-giving can also be used when setting limits and communicating consequences. For example:
“If you choose to continue coloring on the table, you are choosing to be all done coloring for today.”
Just as with the choices above, the child is still part of the decision-making process. The parent is clear about the boundary and the available outcome, while the child has the opportunity to think about their options and make the final decision.
This can be especially helpful because it shifts the focus away from the parent “giving” a consequence and instead helps the child begin to recognize the connection between their choices and what happens next. Over time, these experiences can support responsibility, self-control, and the ability to pause and consider possible outcomes before acting.
Notice that in each example, the adult is providing acceptable options while still allowing the child to make the decision.
This is an important distinction. Choice-giving does not mean children are in charge of every decision. Rather, parents maintain the boundary while giving the child developmentally appropriate opportunities for autonomy within that boundary.
Instead of asking, “Do you want to brush your teeth?” when brushing teeth is not optional, a parent might say, “Do you choose to brush your teeth before pajamas or after pajamas?”
The parent remains responsible for the expectation. The child gets to have some meaningful control over how it happens.
Follow Up With Ownership
After a child makes a choice, acknowledge it by reflecting their decision:
“You chose the purple plate.”
“You chose to brush your teeth first.”
“You chose to keep coloring on the table, so you chose to be all done with markers today.”
“You chose to put your pajamas on before story tonight”
This simple reflective response helps children connect their actions with outcomes and reinforces personal responsibility without shame, lectures, or punishment, which is particularly important when using choices as consequences.
It also communicates something important to the child:
You made that decision.
You can make choices.
Your choices have outcomes.
Over time, these small moments can support a child’s growing sense of competence and trust in themselves.
Why Choice-Giving Works
When children have developmentally appropriate opportunities to make choices, they have opportunities to practice:
Decision-making skills
Independence and autonomy
Responsibility for their actions
Problem-solving
Self-control
Confidence in themselves
Research on autonomy-supportive parenting more broadly has linked this parenting approach with positive developmental outcomes, including greater self-regulation, motivation, and psychological well-being.
Choice-giving can also reduce many common power struggles.
Instead of parents feeling like they must constantly enforce compliance, children are invited to participate in the process. They may be more willing to follow through because they had a role in the decision.
Consider the difference between:
“Put your shoes on.”
and:
“Do you choose to put your shoes on here, or do you choose to put them on in the car?”
The expectation has not changed. The family is still leaving, and the shoes still need to come along. But the child now has something meaningful to control.
That balance—autonomy within safe boundaries—is the heart of effective choice-giving.
A Few Tips for Success
Offer only choices that are acceptable to you.If one option is something you would ultimately say no to, it should not be offered as a choice.
Keep choices simple and age-appropriate.Young children generally do best with two clear options.
Avoid overwhelming children with too many choices.The goal is to support decision-making, not make the child responsible for more than they are developmentally ready to manage.
Follow through consistently.If a choice involves a consequence or limit, calmly follow through with the outcome the child selected.
Stay calm and confident.Choice-giving works best when it is presented matter-of-factly rather than as a threat or an attempt to convince the child to pick the “right” answer.
Reflect the choice afterward.“You chose…” helps the child experience ownership over their decision.
What If My Child Refuses to Choose?
Sometimes a child will simply say, “Neither.”
In those moments, parents can calmly respond:
“You are choosing not to choose.”
For example:
“You can choose the blue pajamas or the green pajamas. If you choose not to choose, I can help choose for you.”
If the child still does not choose, the parent calmly makes the decision.
The goal is not to force the child to make a choice. The goal is to offer an appropriate opportunity for autonomy while also communicating that the parent is capable of providing the structure and support the child needs.
When a Child Is Too Dysregulated to Choose
Choice-making requires a higher level of cognitive thinking.
Even a seemingly simple choice asks children to hear the options, hold them in mind, consider what they want, control an immediate impulse, and make a decision. These processes rely heavily on executive functioning.
Because of this, there are times when offering choices is simply too much.
When children are significantly dysregulated, they may not be able to process the options being presented to them. Landreth and Bratton’s CPRT Treatment Manual cautions that once children become highly dysregulated or “out of control,” they may no longer be able to hear and process a choice effectively.
In those moments, children may need less decision-making and more co-regulation, emotional support, and calm adult leadership.
Instead of continuing to offer choices, a parent might say:
“You're having a really hard time right now. I’m going to help you.”
This is not a failure of choice-giving. It is recognizing what the child is capable of in that particular moment.
Choice-Giving Is Not Giving Up the Parental Role
Choice-giving does not mean children get to decide everything.
Parents still provide structure, safety, boundaries, and expectations. The goal is to identify the places where children can safely have control and allow them to practice using it.
Big decisions remain with adults.
Smaller, developmentally appropriate decisions can increasingly belong to the child.
As children grow, the size of those decisions can grow with them.
Through repeated experiences of making choices, seeing the outcomes, and knowing that their parent is there to support them, children gradually learn:
I am capable.
I can make decisions.
I can handle the outcome.
I can trust myself.
Choice-giving is not really about purple plates, pajamas, brushing teeth, or which parent helps.
Those are simply the everyday opportunities we use to build something much bigger.
The goal isn't to control children; it is to help them learn to trust themselves and feel a greater sense of control within themselves.
References
Bradshaw, E. L., Duineveld, J. J., Conigrave, J. H., Steward, B. A., Ferber, K. A., Joussemet, M., Parker, P. D., & Ryan, R. M. (2025). Disentangling autonomy-supportive and psychologically controlling parenting: A meta-analysis of self-determination theory's dual process model across cultures. American Psychologist, 80(6), 879–895. https://doi.org/10.1037/amp0001389
Bratton, S. C., & Landreth, G. L. (2020). Child-parent relationship therapy treatment manual: An evidence-based 10-session filial therapy model (2nd ed.). Routledge.
Castelo, R. J., Meuwissen, A. S., Distefano, R., McClelland, M. M., Galinsky, E., Zelazo, P. D., & Carlson, S. M. (2022). Parent provision of choice is a key component of autonomy support in predicting child executive function skills. Frontiers in Psychology, 12, 773492. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.773492
Distefano, R. (2022). Parenting in context: A systematic review of the correlates of autonomy support. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 14(3), 571–592. https://doi.org/10.1111/jftr.12465
Landreth, G. L., & Bratton, S. C. (2020). Child-parent relationship therapy (CPRT): An evidence-based 10-session filial therapy model (2nd ed.). Routledge.
