High Conflict Divorce & Play Therapy
Dr. Samantha Long, PhD, LPC, RPT, NCC
High conflict divorce (HCD) is a topic that can carry a lot of pain, stress, and complexity. Divorce itself is already a major life transition, but when conflict is ongoing and intense, it can deeply affect everyone involved. This blog is not about blame; it is about understanding the dynamics, the challenges, and most importantly, the ways we can support children and families navigating these situations. My hope is that as you read this, you can hold both compassion and curiosity, remembering that behind every conflict are people struggling to cope with loss, change, and the hope for stability.
Working with high-conflict divorce is not something I intentionally sought out…it found me. Looking back on my early career, I can still remember the extreme anxiety and nervousness I carried into each session. I was so focused on “doing things right” that the fear of being subpoenaed felt like a shadow in the room with me. That fear undoubtedly got in my way at times, making it harder to be fully present. Over time, I began building competence through supervision with my RPT-S and trusted colleagues, and by attending every training I could find on high-conflict divorce (which wasn’t a lot). With each new skill and insight, my confidence slowly grew, yet there were still moments I felt like an imposter. The stakes felt impossibly high. I was not just working with a child in the playroom; I was navigating the ripple effects of the divorce that touched every part of their life. I was sitting across from parents who, in my experience, were often operating far outside of their window of tolerance, where hurt, anger, and fear made it nearly impossible to access both logic and empathy. I saw how pain, often on both sides, made it difficult for parents to see multiple perspectives or focus on what was best for the child in the long term.
And then there was the “other stuff” no one prepared me for in graduate school:
Crafting progress notes that could hold up in court without compromising therapeutic trust
Interacting with attorneys whose priorities did not always align with therapeutic goals
Setting firm yet compassionate boundaries to keep the child’s emotional safety front and center.
This work was not just about being in the room with the child empathically, nonjudgmentally, and compassionately; it was about holding steady in the storm, even when the waves were coming from all directions.
So, let’s start off with what statistics and research say:
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC; 2024), the United States divorce rate in 2022 was 2.4 per 1,000 population, highlighting that divorce continues to be a relatively common experience for families. Research has also explored the characteristics of high-conflict divorces and their potential impact on children. Noa et al. (2017) identified several signs of high-conflict divorce, including ongoing legal disputes, persistent mistrust between parents, intense emotional reactions such as anger or frustration, and, in some cases, verbal or physical threats. These high-conflict dynamics can create a tense and unpredictable environment for children, increasing stress and uncertainty during an already challenging transition. Shumaker and Kelsey (2020) emphasized that the level of conflict between parents is a significant predictor of how well children are able to cope with the major life changes associated with divorce. Children exposed to high levels of parental conflict often experience emotional, behavioral, and social challenges, underscoring the importance of thoughtful therapeutic support during this time.
What does the Association for Play Therapy say regarding Best Practices?
When working with children whose caregiver(s) or legal guardian(s) are involved in legal conflicts, such as divorce or custody disputes, play therapists face unique challenges. These situations require balancing the child’s therapeutic needs with complex legal and ethical considerations. Understanding the roles, rights, and responsibilities of all involved caregivers is essential to providing safe and effective play therapy. Therapists must navigate these dynamics carefully, ensuring compliance with licensing laws, court orders, and professional ethical codes, while maintaining clarity about their role and boundaries within the therapeutic process. To help guide clinical decision-making in these complex family situations, the Association for Play Therapy provides specific best practice recommendations and ethical codes that address working with children whose caregivers or guardians are in conflict.
B.1 Caregiver(s)/Legal Guardian(s) in Conflict: Play therapists are expected to comply with state, federal and/or country licensing laws, court orders, and/or legal and ethical code of their professional organization when providing play therapy to children whose caregiver(s)/guardian(s) are involved in legal conflicts, such as divorce and custody disputes. This compliance may include reporting abuse, impending and foreseeable harm/danger to the client, or a necessary breach of confidentiality. As part of the informed consent process, play therapists should clarify the roles they are willing, confident, and/or legally able to participate in, with the understanding that the play therapist is not a custody evaluator, and, as such, should not make recommendations or give opinions about custody. They should discuss with caregivers/guardians the negative impact that occupying multiple roles could have on the child/therapeutic relationship. Additionally, it is essential that play therapists who take on dual or multiple roles may be considered unethical, and that it is important to work within one’s scope of practice.
Caregiver(s)/Guardian(s) with Differing Legal Rights and Responsibilities: Play therapists must be cognizant of and recognize that caregivers/guardians of minor clients may have specific and differing rights and responsibilities under law for the welfare of the children, including, but not limited to, access to records and involvement in treatment planning. To ensure they are adhering to these guidelines, play therapists should obtain the proper documentation as it relates to the client, including, but not limited to: divorce decrees, parenting plans, custody and decision-making decisions, court documents, and guardianship papers. Play therapists shall be respectful of all caregiver(s) and guardians of children, even when their rights may be limited legally. Play therapists should consult their state licensing board, and/or state/country laws to determine what information can and/or should be provided to a non-custodial caregiver(s)/guardian(s) regarding mental health treatment of the child.
So, what does all of this mean? The Association for Play Therapy emphasizes that when working with children whose caregivers or guardians are in conflict (e.g., divorce, custody disputes), play therapists must prioritize legal and ethical compliance while protecting the therapeutic relationship. Best practice requires clear boundaries, legal/ethical adherence, and protection of the child’s therapeutic process while navigating complex family and legal dynamics.
What are the signs of HCD?
Stroup & Levitt (2024) recommended engaging in a thorough intake process to assess if this is a high-conflict divorce case and flagging the following:
Inconsistencies of stories from consultation to intake (or beyond). For example, this could look like a caregiver saying their child never sees the other parent, and then later on, you find out the child spent the weekend with this caregiver.
Mentioning court involvement, especially if there is dialogue around being currently involved in court. For example, a caregiver casually says, “We’re in the middle of court right now, so I’ll need your notes if things get ugly.” But, most of the time, this request for notes may not happen up front and may not come until things are already tumultuous and court is impending.
Inability to provide documentation that has been requested. For example, you request a copy of the parenting plan/custody plan to clarify medical and mental health decision-making rights. The caregiver insists they “don’t have it” or “I need to find it” or says, “You don’t need to worry about that, I make all the decisions.” This lack of documentation poses ethical and legal risks if treatment proceeds without clarity.
Threats to not work with you due to asking for specific documentation. For example, a caregiver states, “I need to see all of the notes from my child’s sessions so I can use them in court.” The play therapist explains: “Because I am not a custody evaluator, and because confidentiality is central to your child’s therapeutic relationship, I cannot provide detailed notes. I can provide a summary that supports your child’s progress.” The caregiver then responds, “If you don’t give me the notes, we’ll find another therapist who will.” This creates pressure on the play therapist to violate ethical standards. Best practice requires holding the boundary, clarifying what is legally permissible, and explaining how protecting confidentiality is in the child’s best interest.
Now, there is a very important note regarding the last bullet point. It is essential to understand the laws in your state. Parents are typically the “client” and therefore may have legal rights to clinical chart documentation. Prior to handing over any notes, obtain supervision/consultation and call your malpractice insurance. In my experience, this is how I have handled this request: 1) psychoeducation on confidentiality and trust and why I would not recommend releasing progress notes, 2) explain that my progress notes are written in a broad manner that would not be helpful in court anyways, and 3) try to offer a summary of treatment, treatment plan, or other relevant information that could be beneficial. When things escalate, I am obtaining a consultation and calling my malpractice attorney.
What exactly is our role as a play therapist?
Regardless of your play therapy modality, our primary role is to hold space for the children we work with (Stroup & Leavitt, 2024); to work towards becoming a safe enough space for them to explore and process their world. Regardless of what is happening in the child’s external world, it is our job to prioritize the child and not get wrapped up in the parent’s agendas to ensure that at the forefront, our actions center on the child’s best interest (Stroup & Leavitt, 2024). Working with HCD, we not only bring in our professional competence, confidence, and skills, but we also need to bring in empathy and regulation (Champion, 2024). Sometimes, our own stuff will get activated and may make it challenging to have empathy for the caregivers. “At the end of the day, someone needs to be the regulated one in the room” (with parents and with the child). I cannot remember who once said this to me, but it has stuck with me through all of these years in practice. But this is so true…we play a unique role for the child and caregivers. We have to be able to offer a container for the child to work through what they need to, and if we are not regulated, that container may be so little it is bursting at the seams or is non-existent, which isn’t fair to the child; there are similarities for the parent consultation sessions as well. Dion (2018) spoke to the importance of offering our regulated and connected presence to the children and caregivers we work with because it is highly likely everyone but you is working outside of their window of tolerance and may be in dysregulated bodies.
So, when we say yes to taking on a HCD case, how do we do this effectively?
Let’s start with scheduling the intake, which is guided by Stroup & Leavitt (2024):
When working with divorce in general, but especially high-conflict divorce, it is highly recommended (I would require it if I were your supervisor) that you obtain both parents’ consent (in some states, this is the law) for treatment and be aware of the difference between physical vs legal custody.
Physical custody: refers to where the child lives on a day-to-day basis and which caregiver provides direct care. This does not automatically mean the caregiver with physical custody has the right to make decisions about mental health treatment.
Legal custody: Refers to the right and responsibility to make major decisions about the child’s life, including medical, educational, and mental health care. This is the type of custody that play therapists must verify, because legal custody determines who has the authority to consent to treatment, access records, and participate in treatment planning. Even if the child lives primarily with their mother, for example (physical custody), both parents may share joint legal custody.
Always get a copy of the divorce decree and/or the custody agreement
Ensure both parties sign ALL of the paperwork
At the intake:
Same communication: It is recommended for both parties to obtain the same communication (intake session, parent consultations, and email/phone communications. This prevents distortion, miscommunication, or one caregiver accusing the play therapist of bias or picking a side. Triangulation can occur if a play therapist is meeting with caregivers separately and then gets pulled into the middle of the caregiver conflict. When meeting/receiving communication separately, this has the potential for caregivers to use the play therapist as a messenger, ally, or weapon against the other parent.
For example: Parent A says, “Please don’t tell Parent B, but you should know…” Parent B later claims, “You told me the child doesn’t want to see Parent A anymore,” when in reality, the play therapist simply discussed the child’s adjustments to transitions.
It is important to note, however, that all cases are unique and there may be circumstances that would not recommend both parties meeting together for parent consultations, for example. For example, if there are safety concerns, this may not be the best idea.
Communication, communication, communication: clear and consistent communication with both/all caregivers involved helps set the tone for neutrality and transparency. Play therapists should document communication attempts to ensure important updates (scheduling, treatment planning, etc) are sent to both parties.
Example: sending one caregiver the play therapy schedule via email but not the other could appear biased. Instead, send all written updates to both caregivers simultaneously.
Boundaries: boundaries protect the therapeutic relationship and keep the focus on the child. This includes boundaries around session content, record requests, the play therapist’s role, and time in between play therapy sessions.
Example: this may mean clearly and effectively communicating, “as your child’s play therapist, my job is not to evaluate custody or resolve any sort of custody disputes…”
Managing expectations: caregivers need to understand upfront what the play therapist will do and will not do. Misunderstandings can escalate if parents assume the play therapist will provide custody recommendations or will take sides.
Example: “My role as your child’s play therapist is to support their emotional well-being. I do not make custody recommendations or provide opinions on parenting arrangements. What I can do is work with your child in play therapy and provide you both with feedback about their progress and needs.”
Clinical Documentation
One of the first lessons I learned in high-conflict divorce cases is that progress notes are not just therapeutic records; they can also become legal documents. Writing with this awareness is a skill that develops over time. Notes should be clear, concise, objective, and free from interpretation or judgment. Focus on observable facts and avoid speculative statements. When interacting with attorneys, it’s important to stay within the scope of your role: you are the child’s therapist, not a custody evaluator.
Some key tips for effective documentation include:
Broad documentation: When working with children in high-conflict divorce cases, notes should capture the essence of the session without including unnecessary specifics that could be misinterpreted in legal contexts. Focus on clarity, clinical accuracy, and the child’s experience rather than minute details.
Careful language: Use broad, neutral terms such as “appeared” or “seemed” to describe observations. Avoid language that could be interpreted as siding with one parent or implying custody recommendations. For example, rather than noting that a child “does not want to go to their parent’s home because…” a note might read as, “The client processed thoughts and feelings related to transitioning between two homes.” This approach captures the child’s experience while maintaining a neutral, professional tone and protecting confidentiality.
Direct quotes for safety concerns: Reserve verbatim quotes for situations involving safety, such as disclosures of abuse, neglect, or threats. Accurate documentation in these cases is both clinically and legally necessary.
Overall, the goal of clinical documentation is to support treatment planning and therapeutic progress while minimizing the risk of misinterpretation in high-conflict legal contexts and maintaining the child’s confidentiality.
Working with children in high-conflict divorce cases is both challenging and profoundly meaningful. These cases require play therapists to navigate complex family dynamics, legal and ethical obligations, and the emotional needs of the child, all while maintaining professional boundaries and a neutral stance. As this blog has highlighted, effective practice involves thorough intake procedures, understanding custody and legal rights, consistent communication with caregivers, careful documentation, and, most importantly, prioritizing the child’s safety and emotional well-being. By holding steady, offering a regulated and empathic presence, and adhering to best practices from the Association for Play Therapy, play therapists can provide children with a safe space to process their experiences, build resilience, and feel heard amidst the turbulence of parental conflict. Ultimately, our role is to be a stable, supportive container in which children can navigate the challenges of high-conflict divorce, knowing they are seen, validated, and protected.
References
Association for Play Therapy. (2025). Play therapy best practices. https://cdn.ymaws.com/www.a4pt.org/resource/resmgr/publications/best_practices.pdf
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2024). Marriage and divorce. National Center for Health Statistics. https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/marriage-divorce.htm
Champion, M. (2024). The impact of play therapists’ beliefs and attitudes when supporting divorced caregivers. Play Therapy, 19(3)
Dion, L. (2018). Aggression in play therapy: A neurobiological approach for integrating intensity. W.W. Norton & Company
Stroup, S. & Leavitt, M. (2024). The play therapist’s ethical guide to working with divorced parents. Play Therapy, 19(3).
